Since I'd wisely taken the day off of work, and it was a beautiful fall afternoon, I drove to the park (the same park where I twisted my ankle) because that is where I love to meet with Jesus. I couldn't actually get out of the car to walk (since now I was limping!) so I just sat in my car and poured out my heart and my tears to the Lord. And you know what? He was right there! I mean right away; so close I could almost feel His arms around me. He told me to lean into and lean on Him. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Prov 3:5). He let me know that it was okay for me to be sad; that I didn't need to be brave or strong or keep it all together. In fact, He told me that He would prefer that I stop striving to keep it all together because He can move more freely in my life if my walls are down. It's okay to be vulnerable with God. It's not just okay. It's preferable. We can't hide from God. Whether we go to the heavens, to the depths of the seas or try to run far away from Him, He is there. Nothing is hidden from Him. Your right hand will hold me fast (Ps 139: 7-10, paraphrased)
I knew it was futile to ask why. I wouldn't get an answer. I also knew that it was useless to ask "Why me?" That only leads to self-pity and I refused to go there. Instead, I asked, "Why me?" in a different sense. I need only pick up the prayer sheet from Sunday."Why me, Lord? Why did I get a cancer-free diagnosis and the next person who went into that office might not? Why me, Lord? Why did I only twist my ankle when someone else was in a car accident with multiple injuries? Why me, Lord? Why did I get a good report from my last mammogram, when someone's niece has breast cancer? Why me, Lord? Why do I have a healthy brain, when someone young and vibrant has an inoperable brain tumor? Why me, Lord? Why do I live in a country where I can actually write this blog and not have to worry about being thrown into prison, yet someone else is in a foreign country in the worst of prisons, feeling afraid? Why me, Lord? Why do I have both my parents still with me, healthy and alert and someone else is being beaten down and exhausted trying to take care of an aging parent with Alzheimer's? Why me, Lord? Why did you choose to die for me, the worst of sinners? I don't know why, but thank you. And thank you for coming to my rescue when I was sad and afraid.
The Psalms are loaded with lamentations from the psalmists beseeching God to "come quickly to my rescue" and praises of when He does, because God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). He is faithful and He longs to draw us close. Maybe you don't need this today, but I'll bet you know someone who does need to hear it. We all know someone who is afraid, grieving, feeling hopeless or unloved. I hope that my vulnerability gives peace to someone who needs it today. As for me, I refuse to get bogged down in self-pity, doubt, fear or despair. I choose to trust in the Lord with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding.
Blessings Along the Path,
Song of the Day